Tuesday, December 30, 2003
Have a beautiful and healthy New Years Eve celebration!
I am looking forward to starting a new year with all of you.
Much love.
Joe CuttheShit
I am looking forward to starting a new year with all of you.
Much love.
Joe CuttheShit
Monday, December 29, 2003
Christmas has come and gone. I couldn’t be more relieved.
This year the holidays have been extremely difficult for my family. I think we all just went through the motions of opening presents and engaging in past traditions because we felt like we had to. As much as I tried to keep my positive attitude, 4 days in Albany definitely stripped that out of me. My parents, as usual, went overboard with the presents and I walked away with (basically) a new entertainment system. Dvd Player, bigger television, Cd burner, Playstation 2, etc. I was overwhelmed and really excited. Other than that, this Christmas is one I would prefer to never revisit.
New Year’s is this week and I must say that I am dreading that as well.
Maybe it’s because I have had a horrible month, or maybe it’s because my life is need of some major changes, but either way, I hate everyone and everything right now.
During the month of December, my friends have managed to turn my life upside down.
I hate fighting with my friends and will usually try to do whatever I can to fix the situation so that we can all be a tight knit group again. But this time around, I feel like I have no group. The group has turned into something I don’t like and worse, something I don’t feel comfortable in.
My closest friends in NYC are Angie, Kelly, and Mariah. In December I found out some secrets that they were keeping from me; secrets that were hurtful and did major damage to my trust in them. I thought that I would be able to get over it with time and that I would chalk this ugly situation up to a growing pain that a group of friends goes through. But it seems like as time goes by, I become increasingly more angry and upset. It’s almost to the point where I feel as though I want to pull away from the group entirely and make all new friends.
These feelings are all very new to me. I have had girl friends my whole life, but I’ve never felt so hurt and betrayed by any of them as I do now. I’ve never felt so lonely, so out of the loop, and so angry. I can honestly say that I have gone overboard in making sure that these three ladies were happy and comfortable and included in everything that I was lucky to be a part of.
The problem here is that my close friends are all lesbians. They can go out to the bars with each other and have the time of their lives. Unfortunately for me, the lone gay man in our group, they are not nearly as interested in going out to the places that I would prefer. It’s not that they WON’T go out with me, cuz they will. But if I don’t organize the outing, it won’t happen. Yet, they don’t need me to organize a lesbian night out. That they can do completely on their own.
I can’t seem to come up with a solution to the way I feel.
I have had numerous talks with Kelly that I thought were really positive. Unfortunately, none of them has changed the way that I feel towards her right now. I don’t like who she is dating (Paul’s dud of a roommate Jen) and until I can either get over it or accept it, I don’t see how I can be around her. At least, not around her at Paul’s apartment. I don’t like that she is there without me, yet I can’t be there when she’s there, cuz I just know I will lose my temper.
I tend to be very guarded about places and relationships that I have claimed as my own. It’s a very immature trait that I have, although it never usually comes to the surface. Now, with Kelly dating Jen, it’s on the surface of my skin every day and I find myself spending most of my free time angry and irritated. Don’t get me wrong…I love Kelly. She is one of my best friends and always will be, but until her and Jen break up, I don’t want her at Paul’s apartment. I just don’t. It’s selfish and close-minded of me and unfortunately, nothing she can say will change the way I feel.
Kelly and I have had a rough month together – A month that has left me wondering who she has become. It seemed to happen over night, but here it is…the new Kelly. And sadly, it’s a Kelly that I feel has hurt me very deeply. I am almost nervous to talk to her everyday, for fear that she is going to throw yet another curb ball in my direction that is going to push me over the deep end once and for all.
But, if you can’t talk about something and fix it, how do you move forward?
This is not the way to have a best friendship. But this is where we are right now.
I guess the main reason why I am so frustrated is because no matter how many talks I have with these girls about the way I feel, I still walk away angry and hurt. Sometimes worse than before the talks.
Where is Calgon when really you need it?
This year the holidays have been extremely difficult for my family. I think we all just went through the motions of opening presents and engaging in past traditions because we felt like we had to. As much as I tried to keep my positive attitude, 4 days in Albany definitely stripped that out of me. My parents, as usual, went overboard with the presents and I walked away with (basically) a new entertainment system. Dvd Player, bigger television, Cd burner, Playstation 2, etc. I was overwhelmed and really excited. Other than that, this Christmas is one I would prefer to never revisit.
New Year’s is this week and I must say that I am dreading that as well.
Maybe it’s because I have had a horrible month, or maybe it’s because my life is need of some major changes, but either way, I hate everyone and everything right now.
During the month of December, my friends have managed to turn my life upside down.
I hate fighting with my friends and will usually try to do whatever I can to fix the situation so that we can all be a tight knit group again. But this time around, I feel like I have no group. The group has turned into something I don’t like and worse, something I don’t feel comfortable in.
My closest friends in NYC are Angie, Kelly, and Mariah. In December I found out some secrets that they were keeping from me; secrets that were hurtful and did major damage to my trust in them. I thought that I would be able to get over it with time and that I would chalk this ugly situation up to a growing pain that a group of friends goes through. But it seems like as time goes by, I become increasingly more angry and upset. It’s almost to the point where I feel as though I want to pull away from the group entirely and make all new friends.
These feelings are all very new to me. I have had girl friends my whole life, but I’ve never felt so hurt and betrayed by any of them as I do now. I’ve never felt so lonely, so out of the loop, and so angry. I can honestly say that I have gone overboard in making sure that these three ladies were happy and comfortable and included in everything that I was lucky to be a part of.
The problem here is that my close friends are all lesbians. They can go out to the bars with each other and have the time of their lives. Unfortunately for me, the lone gay man in our group, they are not nearly as interested in going out to the places that I would prefer. It’s not that they WON’T go out with me, cuz they will. But if I don’t organize the outing, it won’t happen. Yet, they don’t need me to organize a lesbian night out. That they can do completely on their own.
I can’t seem to come up with a solution to the way I feel.
I have had numerous talks with Kelly that I thought were really positive. Unfortunately, none of them has changed the way that I feel towards her right now. I don’t like who she is dating (Paul’s dud of a roommate Jen) and until I can either get over it or accept it, I don’t see how I can be around her. At least, not around her at Paul’s apartment. I don’t like that she is there without me, yet I can’t be there when she’s there, cuz I just know I will lose my temper.
I tend to be very guarded about places and relationships that I have claimed as my own. It’s a very immature trait that I have, although it never usually comes to the surface. Now, with Kelly dating Jen, it’s on the surface of my skin every day and I find myself spending most of my free time angry and irritated. Don’t get me wrong…I love Kelly. She is one of my best friends and always will be, but until her and Jen break up, I don’t want her at Paul’s apartment. I just don’t. It’s selfish and close-minded of me and unfortunately, nothing she can say will change the way I feel.
Kelly and I have had a rough month together – A month that has left me wondering who she has become. It seemed to happen over night, but here it is…the new Kelly. And sadly, it’s a Kelly that I feel has hurt me very deeply. I am almost nervous to talk to her everyday, for fear that she is going to throw yet another curb ball in my direction that is going to push me over the deep end once and for all.
But, if you can’t talk about something and fix it, how do you move forward?
This is not the way to have a best friendship. But this is where we are right now.
I guess the main reason why I am so frustrated is because no matter how many talks I have with these girls about the way I feel, I still walk away angry and hurt. Sometimes worse than before the talks.
Where is Calgon when really you need it?
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Addenda
I must be doing SOMETHING right. Or wrong. Or...ugh.
Today I have spoken (at great lengths) with the following people:
Paul - My boyfriend
Michael - the guy I met over Thanksgiving
Brad - a guy that I used to date back in 1999.
and the clincher: Ahmad!
Ahmad just called me to tell me that he is finally over me and willing to be friends. I haven't spoken to him since he cut me off back in August. Remember the story? He was in love with me and was no longer interested in just being friends.
Well, well, well...look who came around?
I told him that I am "apprehensive" to talk to him again and that it will take some time before I feel as though I could be a part of his life. He understood, but informed me that he misses me and would like to have me in whatever capacity I could allow.
Truth is, I am not interested in Ahmad anymore. That whole situation gave me agida for months. But friends? Maybe down the road. I gotta process this whole thing first.
Okay, one question.
Am I an uber stud?
Or
Am I a love hatin playa that gets his kicks off of making other boys love him?
Probably the second one. But...ahhhhhhhhhh!
How did all this happen?
I need to go home for Christmas now and think about all of this. You know, if I were single, this situation would be something that I would revel in. But since I am not single, I just feel ugly and guilty.
Just have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
I must be doing SOMETHING right. Or wrong. Or...ugh.
Today I have spoken (at great lengths) with the following people:
Paul - My boyfriend
Michael - the guy I met over Thanksgiving
Brad - a guy that I used to date back in 1999.
and the clincher: Ahmad!
Ahmad just called me to tell me that he is finally over me and willing to be friends. I haven't spoken to him since he cut me off back in August. Remember the story? He was in love with me and was no longer interested in just being friends.
Well, well, well...look who came around?
I told him that I am "apprehensive" to talk to him again and that it will take some time before I feel as though I could be a part of his life. He understood, but informed me that he misses me and would like to have me in whatever capacity I could allow.
Truth is, I am not interested in Ahmad anymore. That whole situation gave me agida for months. But friends? Maybe down the road. I gotta process this whole thing first.
Okay, one question.
Am I an uber stud?
Or
Am I a love hatin playa that gets his kicks off of making other boys love him?
Probably the second one. But...ahhhhhhhhhh!
How did all this happen?
I need to go home for Christmas now and think about all of this. You know, if I were single, this situation would be something that I would revel in. But since I am not single, I just feel ugly and guilty.
Just have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason.
(I don't understand why...but I couldn't get rid of all of the weird little symbols in this post. Consider it a Christmas/Chanukah present!)
At last!
The 3 Weeks of Chaos is finally over!
What an incredibly awful and wonderful time period it was.
Lets briefly recap. Shall we?
1) My hamsters are still alive and running around although Jimbo has one foot thats dangling by a tendon.
2) One of my co-workers is leaving our office at the end of the month and I have been inundated with so much extra work, my brain is completely fried.
3) I took Kelly to see the The Ricki Lake Show on her birthday. It was the thrill of my life. On top of having an amazing time while watching the taping, I yawned at one point and Ricki points at me and says “Hey you! Wake up!� It made my whole life. (yes, I will tell you when the airing of the episode will be)
4) After seeing RICKI, Kelly, Angie and I went to eat at a restaurant in the area. We were the only people in the restaurant except for this guy sitting by the window. When he got up to pay his bill, he walked by our table and I notice that it is Ethan Hawke! UM! He walked over to us, talked for a bit and then Kelly shmoozed her way into getting her picture taken with him. It was hecka fun.
5) With all of the money I spent this month, I somehow came up with enough to buy everyone presents, send out 30 Christmas cards, and make 100 cookies to give to people in my office. My budgeting skills impress even Donald of the Trumps.
6) Had a huge fight with my friends that is just now being worked out. Picture it as a complete upheaval of everything that is understandable and acceptable in the world. I basically lost my mind and am just now picking up my gay marbles.
7) My family got word that my brother could be home for two weeks in January! God willing.
8) Developed a weird rash on certain parts of my body. Finally healing! My skin is so uber sensitive. It makes me feel sad inside.
9) Had an amazing month with Paul. Also had an amazing month with a guy that I am talking to online. Met him in Albany over Thanksgiving and have yet to give him up. Ah the life of being 26.
10) Saw an amazing one-man show, Addicted, thanks to my dear, generous friend Kambri Crews!
11) Saw a guy have a seizure in the subway.
12) Ate about a hundred bags of CHEWY SPREES. YEM!!!
And now it is time for all of this to come to a close. With the New Year comes a fresh beginning. I am going to make the best resolutions list ever. I will post it as soon as it’s done. This year, I am resolved to at least TRY to keep my resolutions.
For Christmas, my parents have decided that it would be in our best interest to go out to dinner and to a movie. They think that doing things differently this year will make the holiday go more smoothly since my brother will be in Baghdad. It’s the first Christmas where we will not be all together as a family. It is extremely upsetting, but we will do our best to make it work. I’m just going to feel like such a dumb ass opening up all my presents on Christmas morning, while everyone just stares at me. And what if I don’t like something? I won’t have my brother there to make fun of it with me. Ah well.
As I did on Thanksgiving, I will go home with a positive attitude and do my best to save Christmas. I am excited to see my parents, to open my presents, to eat Japanese food for dinner instead of roast beast. I can’t wait to sit around the Christmas tree and to listen to Christmas music.
Paul is actually driving me home tonight. He is going to spend the evening with me at my house in Albany. It’s pretty sweet of him and I am very much looking forward to being with him tonight. We have been spending so much time together as of late and I am very happy with our current relationship status. Who knows what the New Year will bring, but 2003 is definitely ending with us a good note.
So that’s it.
I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas!
Enjoy it to the fullest.
Be with family, be with friends, be with lovers.
But most importantly,
Be happy.
Much love.
At last!
The 3 Weeks of Chaos is finally over!
What an incredibly awful and wonderful time period it was.
Lets briefly recap. Shall we?
1) My hamsters are still alive and running around although Jimbo has one foot thats dangling by a tendon.
2) One of my co-workers is leaving our office at the end of the month and I have been inundated with so much extra work, my brain is completely fried.
3) I took Kelly to see the The Ricki Lake Show on her birthday. It was the thrill of my life. On top of having an amazing time while watching the taping, I yawned at one point and Ricki points at me and says “Hey you! Wake up!� It made my whole life. (yes, I will tell you when the airing of the episode will be)
4) After seeing RICKI, Kelly, Angie and I went to eat at a restaurant in the area. We were the only people in the restaurant except for this guy sitting by the window. When he got up to pay his bill, he walked by our table and I notice that it is Ethan Hawke! UM! He walked over to us, talked for a bit and then Kelly shmoozed her way into getting her picture taken with him. It was hecka fun.
5) With all of the money I spent this month, I somehow came up with enough to buy everyone presents, send out 30 Christmas cards, and make 100 cookies to give to people in my office. My budgeting skills impress even Donald of the Trumps.
6) Had a huge fight with my friends that is just now being worked out. Picture it as a complete upheaval of everything that is understandable and acceptable in the world. I basically lost my mind and am just now picking up my gay marbles.
7) My family got word that my brother could be home for two weeks in January! God willing.
8) Developed a weird rash on certain parts of my body. Finally healing! My skin is so uber sensitive. It makes me feel sad inside.
9) Had an amazing month with Paul. Also had an amazing month with a guy that I am talking to online. Met him in Albany over Thanksgiving and have yet to give him up. Ah the life of being 26.
10) Saw an amazing one-man show, Addicted, thanks to my dear, generous friend Kambri Crews!
11) Saw a guy have a seizure in the subway.
12) Ate about a hundred bags of CHEWY SPREES. YEM!!!
And now it is time for all of this to come to a close. With the New Year comes a fresh beginning. I am going to make the best resolutions list ever. I will post it as soon as it’s done. This year, I am resolved to at least TRY to keep my resolutions.
For Christmas, my parents have decided that it would be in our best interest to go out to dinner and to a movie. They think that doing things differently this year will make the holiday go more smoothly since my brother will be in Baghdad. It’s the first Christmas where we will not be all together as a family. It is extremely upsetting, but we will do our best to make it work. I’m just going to feel like such a dumb ass opening up all my presents on Christmas morning, while everyone just stares at me. And what if I don’t like something? I won’t have my brother there to make fun of it with me. Ah well.
As I did on Thanksgiving, I will go home with a positive attitude and do my best to save Christmas. I am excited to see my parents, to open my presents, to eat Japanese food for dinner instead of roast beast. I can’t wait to sit around the Christmas tree and to listen to Christmas music.
Paul is actually driving me home tonight. He is going to spend the evening with me at my house in Albany. It’s pretty sweet of him and I am very much looking forward to being with him tonight. We have been spending so much time together as of late and I am very happy with our current relationship status. Who knows what the New Year will bring, but 2003 is definitely ending with us a good note.
So that’s it.
I hope everyone has a beautiful Christmas!
Enjoy it to the fullest.
Be with family, be with friends, be with lovers.
But most importantly,
Be happy.
Much love.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
I have a few extra minutes right now. Minutes that I didn't think I would have.
So, tomorrow is Kelly's bday. I have planned the entire thing. Right down to the second. I know she is excited and so am I. It's going to be a great day.
My nose is all sorts of jammed up. It's leaking fluid all over my tits and ass. It's driving me up the fucking wall. My boss just handed me an Allegra. Snoresville. I want something stronger than that shit. Anyone got some Valium?
Last night, while at my apartment, Paul picked up the phone at the most inopportune moment. The guy that I had the date with during Thanksgiving was calling me and instead of reaching me, he got Paul. Before Paul could give him a piece of his mind, this dude hung up on him. LAME!
Problem is, this kid calls me at LEAST 3 times a day. He will NOT leave me alone. No matter how rude I am to him. Probably going to keep calling me until I move out of my apartment. Luckily that happens in March, so not too far off.
Ah geez.
Okay, my free minutes are gone now.
Latas.
So, tomorrow is Kelly's bday. I have planned the entire thing. Right down to the second. I know she is excited and so am I. It's going to be a great day.
My nose is all sorts of jammed up. It's leaking fluid all over my tits and ass. It's driving me up the fucking wall. My boss just handed me an Allegra. Snoresville. I want something stronger than that shit. Anyone got some Valium?
Last night, while at my apartment, Paul picked up the phone at the most inopportune moment. The guy that I had the date with during Thanksgiving was calling me and instead of reaching me, he got Paul. Before Paul could give him a piece of his mind, this dude hung up on him. LAME!
Problem is, this kid calls me at LEAST 3 times a day. He will NOT leave me alone. No matter how rude I am to him. Probably going to keep calling me until I move out of my apartment. Luckily that happens in March, so not too far off.
Ah geez.
Okay, my free minutes are gone now.
Latas.
Happy 23rd Birthday to Kelly!!!
I'm about to show you the time of your life!
Get ready!!
To all the rest of you...be back Thursday with MANY stories to share.
Until then...peace.
I'm about to show you the time of your life!
Get ready!!
To all the rest of you...be back Thursday with MANY stories to share.
Until then...peace.
Friday, December 12, 2003
Have a great weekend y'all!
I know I will!
Or at least try to...
PEACE OUT YO!
I know I will!
Or at least try to...
PEACE OUT YO!
Thursday, December 11, 2003
In keeping with the tradition of the 3 Weeks of Chaos…
Here is how my day has gone:
Spent a good portion of the morning fighting with my friends. It’s been a rough go as of late and there doesn’t seem to be a reprieve in sight. All I can hope for is Christmas understanding from everyone in my life.
While I was on the phone with my friend Mariah, Ari reaches over to me, with tears in her eyes and asks me to get off the phone. As I go to tell her to hold on for a second, she doubles over in horrible pain and loses it completely. I immediately get up and ask her if she’s ok. All she could do was shake her head “no”. I ran to get my boss and we decided that it was best that we call 911.
I had never made a call like that in my life and needless to say it was pretty terrifying. Ari was moved into one of my co-workers office to wait for the ambulance to arrive. Within 15 minutes, 3 paramedics and 2 police officers showed up. They asked Ari a barrage of questions and then decided that it was best to move her to the emergency room. I collected our stuff and we both piled into the ambulance, me up front, her in the back with the paramedics.
Instead of going right to the hospital, the technicians decided to do an EKG reading and give her an IV. On top of being scared to death, she was forced to deal with the pain of getting poked and prodded with various needles. As she cried, I started to cry in the front seat. There is nothing more heartbreaking than going through an experience like this with one of your closest friends. And there was nothing I could do to make it better for her.
Eventually we arrived at the hospital and the nurses took some readings and moved her into a room. I made a bunch of phone calls for her and then sat and talked with her on her bed until both her mother and brother arrived. While it saddened me to have to leave her, I thought it best that she be with her family. I didn’t want to be in the way.
As of right now, we are still unsure as to what caused this reaction inside Ari’s chest. It is possible that she had an allergic reaction to the medicine she is taking for her asthmatic bronchitis. The doctors were running tests and asking her all sorts of questions when I left. I am sure she will be fine, but it’s the not knowing that scares me. All I can do is pray.
While I was sitting with Ari, waiting for her mom, we both got to have a good laugh. The woman (a 280# black woman) was passed out next to her on a gurney. During our stay in the emergency room, her gown slowly crept up to the point that her big black bush was exposed. Ari kept saying “Look at that Joe!” And I would fall for it every time. My eyes glued to the bush of doom.
I am always in awe at how strong Ari is as a person. She has constant humor about everything, even while being led away in a stretcher. She is an inspiration to me. When things go wrong, she has such a positive attitude. That’s why it hurt me so badly to hear her crying in the ambulance. It must have been overwhelming for her to cry. And for that, it makes me cry.
Please keep her in your prayers and I will do the same.
She will get better. It’s just scary for right now.
Here is how my day has gone:
Spent a good portion of the morning fighting with my friends. It’s been a rough go as of late and there doesn’t seem to be a reprieve in sight. All I can hope for is Christmas understanding from everyone in my life.
While I was on the phone with my friend Mariah, Ari reaches over to me, with tears in her eyes and asks me to get off the phone. As I go to tell her to hold on for a second, she doubles over in horrible pain and loses it completely. I immediately get up and ask her if she’s ok. All she could do was shake her head “no”. I ran to get my boss and we decided that it was best that we call 911.
I had never made a call like that in my life and needless to say it was pretty terrifying. Ari was moved into one of my co-workers office to wait for the ambulance to arrive. Within 15 minutes, 3 paramedics and 2 police officers showed up. They asked Ari a barrage of questions and then decided that it was best to move her to the emergency room. I collected our stuff and we both piled into the ambulance, me up front, her in the back with the paramedics.
Instead of going right to the hospital, the technicians decided to do an EKG reading and give her an IV. On top of being scared to death, she was forced to deal with the pain of getting poked and prodded with various needles. As she cried, I started to cry in the front seat. There is nothing more heartbreaking than going through an experience like this with one of your closest friends. And there was nothing I could do to make it better for her.
Eventually we arrived at the hospital and the nurses took some readings and moved her into a room. I made a bunch of phone calls for her and then sat and talked with her on her bed until both her mother and brother arrived. While it saddened me to have to leave her, I thought it best that she be with her family. I didn’t want to be in the way.
As of right now, we are still unsure as to what caused this reaction inside Ari’s chest. It is possible that she had an allergic reaction to the medicine she is taking for her asthmatic bronchitis. The doctors were running tests and asking her all sorts of questions when I left. I am sure she will be fine, but it’s the not knowing that scares me. All I can do is pray.
While I was sitting with Ari, waiting for her mom, we both got to have a good laugh. The woman (a 280# black woman) was passed out next to her on a gurney. During our stay in the emergency room, her gown slowly crept up to the point that her big black bush was exposed. Ari kept saying “Look at that Joe!” And I would fall for it every time. My eyes glued to the bush of doom.
I am always in awe at how strong Ari is as a person. She has constant humor about everything, even while being led away in a stretcher. She is an inspiration to me. When things go wrong, she has such a positive attitude. That’s why it hurt me so badly to hear her crying in the ambulance. It must have been overwhelming for her to cry. And for that, it makes me cry.
Please keep her in your prayers and I will do the same.
She will get better. It’s just scary for right now.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
Quick update on Hamster Jim and Hamster Kim
Things aren’t going so well for my deal little boy Jim.
Last night I went home and played with him for a little while. The cut on his back leg has turned into a full out hole now. I can see his intestines I think. The wound itself smelled like fucking garbage and I gagged at least 3 times while I cleaned it. I held him for awhile and then I allowed him to run around my room. His energy level is where it should be, but one of his back legs has curled itself up into his body. He is essentially walking around on three legs.
After he had worn himself out, I put him back in his cage and he immediately went back to bed. He is eating and drinking, but I fear that he won’t survive for that much longer. My dad thinks I should drown him or suffocate him to ease his suffering. But the idea of that makes my skin crawl and my heart go into my throat. Unfortunately for Jim, he is just going to have to ride this one out. And I am not totally convinced that, minus the gaping hole in his back, he is in that much pain. He is handling this whole ordeal like quite a trooper.
I just feel bad that I allowed this to happen. I adopted him from the pet store and then, due to my ignorance of raising hamsters, allowed Kimberly to rip his face off. I have learned my lesson, although maybe a moment too late.
Kimberly is doing just fine in her new cage. I think she hates me though. She won’t come near my hand when I put it in her cage and she hides when she sees me coming. If I am patient, she will eventually crawl into my hand, but I think she carries a lot of resentment. But honestly? Tough. She hurt my little Jimbo. So too bad that she is lonely in her new cage.
That’s it for now.
Taking it day by day.
Things aren’t going so well for my deal little boy Jim.
Last night I went home and played with him for a little while. The cut on his back leg has turned into a full out hole now. I can see his intestines I think. The wound itself smelled like fucking garbage and I gagged at least 3 times while I cleaned it. I held him for awhile and then I allowed him to run around my room. His energy level is where it should be, but one of his back legs has curled itself up into his body. He is essentially walking around on three legs.
After he had worn himself out, I put him back in his cage and he immediately went back to bed. He is eating and drinking, but I fear that he won’t survive for that much longer. My dad thinks I should drown him or suffocate him to ease his suffering. But the idea of that makes my skin crawl and my heart go into my throat. Unfortunately for Jim, he is just going to have to ride this one out. And I am not totally convinced that, minus the gaping hole in his back, he is in that much pain. He is handling this whole ordeal like quite a trooper.
I just feel bad that I allowed this to happen. I adopted him from the pet store and then, due to my ignorance of raising hamsters, allowed Kimberly to rip his face off. I have learned my lesson, although maybe a moment too late.
Kimberly is doing just fine in her new cage. I think she hates me though. She won’t come near my hand when I put it in her cage and she hides when she sees me coming. If I am patient, she will eventually crawl into my hand, but I think she carries a lot of resentment. But honestly? Tough. She hurt my little Jimbo. So too bad that she is lonely in her new cage.
That’s it for now.
Taking it day by day.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Reasons Why I am Going Out of My Gay Mind:
My job is slamming me with end of the year bullshit.
My boyfriend is becoming wonderful, essentially out of nowhere.
My friends and I have been fighting with eachother for the past 3 days.
I have the opportunity, thanks to Kambri Crews, to see two shows for FREE this week. But I also have tons of meetings/social activities to go to and am unsure if I wll make it to either of them. (Why does it seem like you can never do what you WANT to do?)
I have a HUGE zit on my forehead. When that goes away, there are seven others vying for my attention.
I have YET to think about Christmas, as well as Christmas shopping.
I have to memorize monologues and work on the Theater benefit for January.
I have to see the people I have neglected over the last two months.
I have a birthday event to plan.
There is a guy that likes me that is hounding me at every turn.
I need to pay my bills.
I need to flier the Columbia University campus for the Theatre Company.
I need to CREATE the flier in order to, well, flier the Columbia University campus.
I need to clean my apartment.
I have to save money.
I need to keep up with this journal.
I need to write back to emails that are dying in my inbox.
I have to do my laundry.
I feel like I could cry today.
I need to mail my brother something for Christmas, although it will surely get there much after the holiday, now that I have put it off to the last minute.
I have to plan for a Murder Mystery Party that had been postponed.
I am so tired.
That is it for now.
God, I could die from exhaustion and stress.
But not until I complete this list!
Ardios.
My job is slamming me with end of the year bullshit.
My boyfriend is becoming wonderful, essentially out of nowhere.
My friends and I have been fighting with eachother for the past 3 days.
I have the opportunity, thanks to Kambri Crews, to see two shows for FREE this week. But I also have tons of meetings/social activities to go to and am unsure if I wll make it to either of them. (Why does it seem like you can never do what you WANT to do?)
I have a HUGE zit on my forehead. When that goes away, there are seven others vying for my attention.
I have YET to think about Christmas, as well as Christmas shopping.
I have to memorize monologues and work on the Theater benefit for January.
I have to see the people I have neglected over the last two months.
I have a birthday event to plan.
There is a guy that likes me that is hounding me at every turn.
I need to pay my bills.
I need to flier the Columbia University campus for the Theatre Company.
I need to CREATE the flier in order to, well, flier the Columbia University campus.
I need to clean my apartment.
I have to save money.
I need to keep up with this journal.
I need to write back to emails that are dying in my inbox.
I have to do my laundry.
I feel like I could cry today.
I need to mail my brother something for Christmas, although it will surely get there much after the holiday, now that I have put it off to the last minute.
I have to plan for a Murder Mystery Party that had been postponed.
I am so tired.
That is it for now.
God, I could die from exhaustion and stress.
But not until I complete this list!
Ardios.
Monday, December 08, 2003
My life at work SUCKED today.
Will be back tomorrow with an entry.
There is no question about that one.
Until then...go finger your vaginas please.
Will be back tomorrow with an entry.
There is no question about that one.
Until then...go finger your vaginas please.
Friday, December 05, 2003
Happy Friday Everyone!
If you are in or around NYC, enjoy the first big storm of the year!
Yahoooooo!
~Back on Monday y'all~
If you are in or around NYC, enjoy the first big storm of the year!
Yahoooooo!
~Back on Monday y'all~
Thursday, December 04, 2003
It is officially the 3 Weeks of Chaos!
Breathe it in deep and welcome it in with open arms.
You see, when I was in college, my housemates and I came up with this theory called the 3 Weeks of Chaos. It is the one time period of the year when everything seems to hit the fan. If you think back to the days of yore, or at least as far back as college, you will remember that the time period between Thanksgiving and Christmas was always incredibly hectic. There were term papers to write, exams to study for, parties to attend, and professors ready and willing to use their red pen in a flourish of pure evil.
When I was in school, we would keep track of the different events that would take place during the 3 Weeks of Chaos, so that we could look back in January and marvel at how lucky we were to have survived. There were times when relatives would die or boyfriends would break up with girlfriends; times when the local bar would burn down or someone would eat some rotten sushi and end up in the hospital for a week. Not that this stuff wouldn’t normally happen during the year…it would. But imagine it all happening at the SAME time and there you’ve got the theory behind the 3 Weeks of Chaos.
There were also times when strange and mysterious things would happen. For example, how did a handful of my laundry end up on our crazy, child killing, neighbor’s lawn? You should have seen my face when I came home to THAT little surprise.
Things aren’t always BAD during the 3 Weeks of Chaos. Sometimes they are really good. Like I would find $45 on the ground and it would be mine! Or I would finally convince the buffed up straight dude that I’m chilling with to take off his shirt and make out with me. And only during the 3 weeks of chaos would he do such a thing. And yeah, it was good.
So here we are. Another year has gone by and the chaos of the end is in full bloom. It makes perfect sense that I would see someone have a seizure on Tuesday and that my hamsters would be close to death. It also makes sense that I have met a new boy and am still struggling to keep the old boy that I have been with for 4 years. Surely my job is hectic and my friends are bouncing off the wall with the excitement of the holiday season.
But what is truly in store during this 3 Weeks of Chaos?
There is no way to know, but it can be expected to be a whirlwind of messy misfortune and marvelous memories.
Breathe it in deep and welcome it in with open arms.
You see, when I was in college, my housemates and I came up with this theory called the 3 Weeks of Chaos. It is the one time period of the year when everything seems to hit the fan. If you think back to the days of yore, or at least as far back as college, you will remember that the time period between Thanksgiving and Christmas was always incredibly hectic. There were term papers to write, exams to study for, parties to attend, and professors ready and willing to use their red pen in a flourish of pure evil.
When I was in school, we would keep track of the different events that would take place during the 3 Weeks of Chaos, so that we could look back in January and marvel at how lucky we were to have survived. There were times when relatives would die or boyfriends would break up with girlfriends; times when the local bar would burn down or someone would eat some rotten sushi and end up in the hospital for a week. Not that this stuff wouldn’t normally happen during the year…it would. But imagine it all happening at the SAME time and there you’ve got the theory behind the 3 Weeks of Chaos.
There were also times when strange and mysterious things would happen. For example, how did a handful of my laundry end up on our crazy, child killing, neighbor’s lawn? You should have seen my face when I came home to THAT little surprise.
Things aren’t always BAD during the 3 Weeks of Chaos. Sometimes they are really good. Like I would find $45 on the ground and it would be mine! Or I would finally convince the buffed up straight dude that I’m chilling with to take off his shirt and make out with me. And only during the 3 weeks of chaos would he do such a thing. And yeah, it was good.
So here we are. Another year has gone by and the chaos of the end is in full bloom. It makes perfect sense that I would see someone have a seizure on Tuesday and that my hamsters would be close to death. It also makes sense that I have met a new boy and am still struggling to keep the old boy that I have been with for 4 years. Surely my job is hectic and my friends are bouncing off the wall with the excitement of the holiday season.
But what is truly in store during this 3 Weeks of Chaos?
There is no way to know, but it can be expected to be a whirlwind of messy misfortune and marvelous memories.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
The bloodlust of Kim vs. The lovelust of Jim
Over two months ago Kelly and I discovered two hamsters abandoned in front of our apartment. Our hearts grew to the size of watermelons and we immediately rescued them and gave them a new home in my bedroom. Although both were male hamsters, I named one Kimberly and one Neechee. The two hamsters lived happily in their aquarium until the day that I left the top off of the cage. During the night, Neechee escaped and was part of a tragic accident involving a box fan. He bled to death on my rug.
I immediately went out to a pet store and bought myself a new hamster. He looked exactly like Neechee, yet I decided to name him Jim. The dude at the pet store warned me that the hamster that lives in the cage would most likely resent having a new hamster invade the dwelling. I felt so horrible about the death of Neechee that I went against his better judgement and purchased the little guy anyway.
The second I introduced Jim to Kimberly, a fight broke out. Kimberly attacked Jim and threw his sad little body all around the cage. It scared me at first and I did everything in my power to separate them whenever they started fighting. I did this for almost two months successfully. When I wasn’t at home, I am sure that they beat the shit out of each other, but I wasn’t there to see it, so it was easy to convince myself that it wasn’t happening.
The day before Thanksgiving, I found Jim and Kimberly snuggled up together in the corner of their cage. It warmed my heart and gave me hopes about their future. I gave them some Thanksgiving treats and went home to Albany.
Upon my return to NYC, I found Jim’s body torn about by claw marks. Kimberly must have spent the three days I was gone beating the fuck out of the poor little guy. The saddest part of the whole situation? Jim never fights back. All he does is sit there and put his hands up, eyes pleading for Kimberly to leave him alone. His mild mannered attitude just infuriated her more.
I was so sad by what I found, that I decided it was best to separate them for good. My parents were visiting, so they helped me to fashion a barrier inside the cage, making it impossible for them to get at each other. Wouldn’t you know it? They banged on the cage for hours, Jim doing his best to keep Kimberly on her own side. Late that night, I went to Paul’s and didn’t return for two days.
While I was gone, Kelly noticed that Kimberly had figured out a way to get to Jim. She created a new barrier and hoped that this would keep them away from each other. It didn’t work. Last night I went home to find Jim’s entire backside swollen and bleeding. Kimberly beat him so bad that Jim laid there gasping for breath. With tears in my eyes and anger at myself for being such an irresponsible parent, I separated them.
Kelly arrived at home about a half an hour after I did. She and I worked together to make Kimberly a brand new home. Now, they live in separate cages and are seemingly very happy. Well, Jim is happy. Kimberly is furious that she has no one to beat up. That bitch has got bloodlust like I have never seen. And Jim…my poor, sweet, little guy, Jim…he has lovelust like I have never seen. All he wants is to be kissed and pet.
And all I want more than anything is for him to survive.
And at this point, I am not sure he will.
Over two months ago Kelly and I discovered two hamsters abandoned in front of our apartment. Our hearts grew to the size of watermelons and we immediately rescued them and gave them a new home in my bedroom. Although both were male hamsters, I named one Kimberly and one Neechee. The two hamsters lived happily in their aquarium until the day that I left the top off of the cage. During the night, Neechee escaped and was part of a tragic accident involving a box fan. He bled to death on my rug.
I immediately went out to a pet store and bought myself a new hamster. He looked exactly like Neechee, yet I decided to name him Jim. The dude at the pet store warned me that the hamster that lives in the cage would most likely resent having a new hamster invade the dwelling. I felt so horrible about the death of Neechee that I went against his better judgement and purchased the little guy anyway.
The second I introduced Jim to Kimberly, a fight broke out. Kimberly attacked Jim and threw his sad little body all around the cage. It scared me at first and I did everything in my power to separate them whenever they started fighting. I did this for almost two months successfully. When I wasn’t at home, I am sure that they beat the shit out of each other, but I wasn’t there to see it, so it was easy to convince myself that it wasn’t happening.
The day before Thanksgiving, I found Jim and Kimberly snuggled up together in the corner of their cage. It warmed my heart and gave me hopes about their future. I gave them some Thanksgiving treats and went home to Albany.
Upon my return to NYC, I found Jim’s body torn about by claw marks. Kimberly must have spent the three days I was gone beating the fuck out of the poor little guy. The saddest part of the whole situation? Jim never fights back. All he does is sit there and put his hands up, eyes pleading for Kimberly to leave him alone. His mild mannered attitude just infuriated her more.
I was so sad by what I found, that I decided it was best to separate them for good. My parents were visiting, so they helped me to fashion a barrier inside the cage, making it impossible for them to get at each other. Wouldn’t you know it? They banged on the cage for hours, Jim doing his best to keep Kimberly on her own side. Late that night, I went to Paul’s and didn’t return for two days.
While I was gone, Kelly noticed that Kimberly had figured out a way to get to Jim. She created a new barrier and hoped that this would keep them away from each other. It didn’t work. Last night I went home to find Jim’s entire backside swollen and bleeding. Kimberly beat him so bad that Jim laid there gasping for breath. With tears in my eyes and anger at myself for being such an irresponsible parent, I separated them.
Kelly arrived at home about a half an hour after I did. She and I worked together to make Kimberly a brand new home. Now, they live in separate cages and are seemingly very happy. Well, Jim is happy. Kimberly is furious that she has no one to beat up. That bitch has got bloodlust like I have never seen. And Jim…my poor, sweet, little guy, Jim…he has lovelust like I have never seen. All he wants is to be kissed and pet.
And all I want more than anything is for him to survive.
And at this point, I am not sure he will.
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
What a day it has been!
My morning started on a horrible note.
I was waiting for the subway in Times Square, when suddenly a young man standing near me started convulsing and fell to the ground. He landed inches away from the subway tracks and to my horror, he landed directly on his face. People started to back away from him and I heard a few people shout for an ambulance. I stared at this man and watched blood ooze from the side of his head and then…he began to pee himself.
At first I was just scared that this was happening in front of me. I didn’t know what to do or how to help. Immediately some policemen ran over to him and made everyone back away. I heard one of the cops say “He has a medic alert bracelet on”. The man just laid there, blood and urine surrounding his body. After a minute or two, the man began to wake up and he tried to stand. The cops helped him to his feet and I heard him say that he “had to go”. His entire head was scraped and bleeding and the front of his pants were soaking wet. A second or two later, paramedics arrived and had him lay down on a stretcher. I, along with a crowd of people watched as they began to carry him out of the station. Tears filled my eyes and I boarded the next train.
When I got to work, I was pretty shaken up. I called my mom immediately to tell her what happened. Unfortunately she wasn’t there, so I decided to go outside to calm myself down. When I returned to my desk, the phone rang and I relayed the story to my mom. I was crying and explained that I was most upset because the scene reminded me of my friend, Rita, who has been known to pass out due to epilepsy-type seizures. I couldn’t stop thinking that it could have been her. It brings me to tears even as I write this.
When I was finished telling her what happened, my mom said “I have news that may cheer you up”. She then began to tell me that my brother, Winfield, got word that he could be coming home in January for a visit! Now, nothing is definite yet, and the ARMY has a way of saying one thing and doing another, but this is the news that all of us have been waiting for! From what my mom said, my brother should get two weeks off in mid-January to come home to the States. After his visit is over, he will have to return to Baghdad until the end of April, early May.
My parents are bouncing off the walls and deep down that is how I feel too. I am trying to stay realistic about it and not get my hopes up. But if he really could come home…it would make all of us feel so much better. We need the pick me up, especially during the holiday season.
So keep your fingers crossed and the prayers coming. Winfield may be coming home in January!!
Other than that…Ari is out sick with Acute bronchitis and some sort of asthma related illness. I feel horrible for her. And also horrible for myself. The other Administrative Assistant, Michelle, called out today too and I have been not only doing my own work, but both of their work as well. Ari, I can understand and feel grateful that I can cover for her. Michelle of doom…well…Michelle of doom is taking the number one slot on my shit list. Come to work sometimes why don’t you?
Lastly, Paul and I had a very honest and open talk about “us”. Afterwards, I felt so much better about a lot of the issues that we are dealing with. Truth is, no matter how much I get hurt or feel slighted by him, I am seriously in love with the kid. I want to be his rock, his best friend, and his lover. I want to be his boy. It’s confusing and frustrating, and sometimes, it’s wonderful. But either way, it’s a journey that I am happy to be taking.
After our talk, Paul gave me a gift, which NEVER happens. It was a $120 outfit that he bought for me during his day off. I opened the boxes to find a pair of beautiful slacks and a very hip button down shirt. I tried both on and unfortunately, Paul thinks that I have the biggest ass on the planet. (size 36 waist?!?! Since WHEN?!?!) The pants are fly and I am going to exchange them for the appropriate size when we go to the store this weekend. The card he wrote to accompany the present was the best part of the whole gift. I will save it forever.
Other than that, the guy I hung out with this weekend sent me flowers. I had to write him an email this morning explaining that while I love the flowers and the thought that went into it, I am still involved in a relationship that I want to be in. Mark doesn’t want to get mixed up with me. There is nothing but hurt waiting for him at the end of this whole thing. He hasn’t written me back since.
Ah well…
What a day, huh
My morning started on a horrible note.
I was waiting for the subway in Times Square, when suddenly a young man standing near me started convulsing and fell to the ground. He landed inches away from the subway tracks and to my horror, he landed directly on his face. People started to back away from him and I heard a few people shout for an ambulance. I stared at this man and watched blood ooze from the side of his head and then…he began to pee himself.
At first I was just scared that this was happening in front of me. I didn’t know what to do or how to help. Immediately some policemen ran over to him and made everyone back away. I heard one of the cops say “He has a medic alert bracelet on”. The man just laid there, blood and urine surrounding his body. After a minute or two, the man began to wake up and he tried to stand. The cops helped him to his feet and I heard him say that he “had to go”. His entire head was scraped and bleeding and the front of his pants were soaking wet. A second or two later, paramedics arrived and had him lay down on a stretcher. I, along with a crowd of people watched as they began to carry him out of the station. Tears filled my eyes and I boarded the next train.
When I got to work, I was pretty shaken up. I called my mom immediately to tell her what happened. Unfortunately she wasn’t there, so I decided to go outside to calm myself down. When I returned to my desk, the phone rang and I relayed the story to my mom. I was crying and explained that I was most upset because the scene reminded me of my friend, Rita, who has been known to pass out due to epilepsy-type seizures. I couldn’t stop thinking that it could have been her. It brings me to tears even as I write this.
When I was finished telling her what happened, my mom said “I have news that may cheer you up”. She then began to tell me that my brother, Winfield, got word that he could be coming home in January for a visit! Now, nothing is definite yet, and the ARMY has a way of saying one thing and doing another, but this is the news that all of us have been waiting for! From what my mom said, my brother should get two weeks off in mid-January to come home to the States. After his visit is over, he will have to return to Baghdad until the end of April, early May.
My parents are bouncing off the walls and deep down that is how I feel too. I am trying to stay realistic about it and not get my hopes up. But if he really could come home…it would make all of us feel so much better. We need the pick me up, especially during the holiday season.
So keep your fingers crossed and the prayers coming. Winfield may be coming home in January!!
Other than that…Ari is out sick with Acute bronchitis and some sort of asthma related illness. I feel horrible for her. And also horrible for myself. The other Administrative Assistant, Michelle, called out today too and I have been not only doing my own work, but both of their work as well. Ari, I can understand and feel grateful that I can cover for her. Michelle of doom…well…Michelle of doom is taking the number one slot on my shit list. Come to work sometimes why don’t you?
Lastly, Paul and I had a very honest and open talk about “us”. Afterwards, I felt so much better about a lot of the issues that we are dealing with. Truth is, no matter how much I get hurt or feel slighted by him, I am seriously in love with the kid. I want to be his rock, his best friend, and his lover. I want to be his boy. It’s confusing and frustrating, and sometimes, it’s wonderful. But either way, it’s a journey that I am happy to be taking.
After our talk, Paul gave me a gift, which NEVER happens. It was a $120 outfit that he bought for me during his day off. I opened the boxes to find a pair of beautiful slacks and a very hip button down shirt. I tried both on and unfortunately, Paul thinks that I have the biggest ass on the planet. (size 36 waist?!?! Since WHEN?!?!) The pants are fly and I am going to exchange them for the appropriate size when we go to the store this weekend. The card he wrote to accompany the present was the best part of the whole gift. I will save it forever.
Other than that, the guy I hung out with this weekend sent me flowers. I had to write him an email this morning explaining that while I love the flowers and the thought that went into it, I am still involved in a relationship that I want to be in. Mark doesn’t want to get mixed up with me. There is nothing but hurt waiting for him at the end of this whole thing. He hasn’t written me back since.
Ah well…
What a day, huh
Monday, December 01, 2003
And back to work.
Cept now I think I weigh at least 15 pounds more than I did before I left to go home. Luckily the weekend went pretty smoothly. My family did their best to keep a positive attitude despite the fact that my brother was unable to be home for the holiday. My mom only broke into tears twice at dinner and my dad only lost it once. I was really proud of both of them. I was the rock, though. I refused to cry at any moment and when I felt the wave of sadness start to take over, I did whatever I could to block the whole thing out of my mind. By doing this, I was able to get through the weekend with a smile on my face.
My brother did call us from Baghdad on Thanksgiving evening. It was incredibly special for the four of us to be on the phone during the conversation. It was the one time during the holiday when we were all together. Thank God for that. He sounded pretty upbeat on the phone and it sounded as though he had a more comprehensive dinner then we had. So, at least he didn’t miss out. Even if he did have to eat the meal with a bunch of hardcore military boys. (kind of sounds like my fantasy)
I did end up going out on Wednesday night and wouldn’t you know it…ran into a guy that I dated awhile back. He looked amazing. His name is Mark and he is about 6” tall and 200#. Totally my type. We talked a bit outside the bar and since he arrived sober, I asked him if he would take Kelly and I home, considering that it was 2am. He took us back to my house and he and I stayed up until about 4am, talking. And kissing. Oops. Yeah, I kissed him a couple times. I mean how could I not? He’s a BIG boy. And my day to day boyfriend doesn’t kiss me that often. You understand.
Friday night, Mark took me out to dinner. We had great conversation and I got the chance to get to know him a bit better. Afterwards, he drove me (in his truck…hot) back to his house in Greenbush and we stayed up talking for most of the night. The rest of the night was spent with me in his arms. Minimal kissing, but lots of cuddling. It was nice and I really enjoyed having a big guy wrap his arms around me. However, when I woke up on Saturday morning, I remembered that I have a 4-year anniversary looming with Paul. I jumped out of bed and made him drive me home immediately.
As always, I am confused.
Paul and I are doing very well together. As friends. Breaking up doesn’t seem to be an option at the moment. I don’t think I will ever be ready to break up with him. I know we won’t be able to be friends and I’m just not ready to lose him yet. Everyone is encouraging me to be strong and has offered to stand by my side, should I choose to make the decision to become single. However, I’m just not ready. And I need everyone to have patience with me. 4 years is a LONG time to be in a relationship. And it’s damn near impossible to just end it. (big sigh)
Mark and I have been emailing this morning. I figured that there is no harm in keeping in touch with him. As long as he doesn’t get too wrapped up in the idea of “us”. As much as I love the way he feels, the last thing I want is a new boyfriend.
And there is one more thing…
Just a little catch.
Last time I was with Mark, he fucked up big time. We ended up hooking up together and things didn’t really go according to plan. It’s a long story and it ends very nastily. Maybe someday I will have the guts to write about it in here. But until then, just understand that this boy will not be going down on me any time soon. Heh heh heh. Cept he won’t be.
Happy Monday!
Cept now I think I weigh at least 15 pounds more than I did before I left to go home. Luckily the weekend went pretty smoothly. My family did their best to keep a positive attitude despite the fact that my brother was unable to be home for the holiday. My mom only broke into tears twice at dinner and my dad only lost it once. I was really proud of both of them. I was the rock, though. I refused to cry at any moment and when I felt the wave of sadness start to take over, I did whatever I could to block the whole thing out of my mind. By doing this, I was able to get through the weekend with a smile on my face.
My brother did call us from Baghdad on Thanksgiving evening. It was incredibly special for the four of us to be on the phone during the conversation. It was the one time during the holiday when we were all together. Thank God for that. He sounded pretty upbeat on the phone and it sounded as though he had a more comprehensive dinner then we had. So, at least he didn’t miss out. Even if he did have to eat the meal with a bunch of hardcore military boys. (kind of sounds like my fantasy)
I did end up going out on Wednesday night and wouldn’t you know it…ran into a guy that I dated awhile back. He looked amazing. His name is Mark and he is about 6” tall and 200#. Totally my type. We talked a bit outside the bar and since he arrived sober, I asked him if he would take Kelly and I home, considering that it was 2am. He took us back to my house and he and I stayed up until about 4am, talking. And kissing. Oops. Yeah, I kissed him a couple times. I mean how could I not? He’s a BIG boy. And my day to day boyfriend doesn’t kiss me that often. You understand.
Friday night, Mark took me out to dinner. We had great conversation and I got the chance to get to know him a bit better. Afterwards, he drove me (in his truck…hot) back to his house in Greenbush and we stayed up talking for most of the night. The rest of the night was spent with me in his arms. Minimal kissing, but lots of cuddling. It was nice and I really enjoyed having a big guy wrap his arms around me. However, when I woke up on Saturday morning, I remembered that I have a 4-year anniversary looming with Paul. I jumped out of bed and made him drive me home immediately.
As always, I am confused.
Paul and I are doing very well together. As friends. Breaking up doesn’t seem to be an option at the moment. I don’t think I will ever be ready to break up with him. I know we won’t be able to be friends and I’m just not ready to lose him yet. Everyone is encouraging me to be strong and has offered to stand by my side, should I choose to make the decision to become single. However, I’m just not ready. And I need everyone to have patience with me. 4 years is a LONG time to be in a relationship. And it’s damn near impossible to just end it. (big sigh)
Mark and I have been emailing this morning. I figured that there is no harm in keeping in touch with him. As long as he doesn’t get too wrapped up in the idea of “us”. As much as I love the way he feels, the last thing I want is a new boyfriend.
And there is one more thing…
Just a little catch.
Last time I was with Mark, he fucked up big time. We ended up hooking up together and things didn’t really go according to plan. It’s a long story and it ends very nastily. Maybe someday I will have the guts to write about it in here. But until then, just understand that this boy will not be going down on me any time soon. Heh heh heh. Cept he won’t be.
Happy Monday!
